why

Why does it get to me so much when people comment on my weight?

Alternatively what gives people the right to comment… You think I’m too skinny? Is that what your years of university based medical education tells you… or is your expert opinion informed by the media, your own self-esteem issues & bullshit “cultural” traits.

I know I harp on about this… but why won’t back off… I never asked to be the centre of attention! Also I am more than my weight…

I think this is another shining example of why I have always preferred the company of men. Women are bitchy & spiteful.

Please talk to me about something else… or fuck off.

Guh!

Intellectually, I know how to deal with really real world situations involving food.

I know that I am now a healthy weight & have the knowledge to get through most food situations of which I have no control. I’m not tempted to order shit food at a restaurant & I can easily control myself at work morning/afternoon teas…

That is my intellectual brain… This is my actual response:

Fuck. The planning morning is now a planning day at a bogan pub with lunch, morning tea & afternoon tea included. I know who has organised it… I know fruit or veggies will not be apart of morning & afternoon tea. Everything on the menu comes with chips & all the salads have crumbed, fried or cured meats/fish and drowned in super low-budget fatty dressing of one sort or another. (I know this as fact because I’ve already looked at their menu online). I’m going to have to order & make alterations to the meal, in front of people & the judgement will be freaking unbearable – I JUST WANT THE PUMPKIN QUINOA SALAD I HAD PLANNED. 😦

That is what going on in my head right now.

I can’t relax… and it’s peoples reactions that are causing this emotional response… but my history with food, weight, inappropriate downright bitchy comments & my work colleagues is not a pleasant one.

Where to from here?

Of new years & resolutions…

I don’t believe in New Years resolutions… I’ve never made one before…. Until now. My resolution is this; In 2013 I will walk away from the 12wbt program. I need to cut the cord. After losing 88kg in 18 months I need to walk away… Carrying with me the lessons I’ve learnt… I say this because I want to have a healthy relationship with food & exercise. Exercise: I’m never going to be a marathon runner… Cause I really don’t want to be… I like going for walks & going for a paddle. I don’t mind picking up the pace a bit… & working up a sweat.. Happy to do a DVD at home on occasion…But I loathe the gym & really this is about a sustained life choice, making long term commitments that work for me. Find the balance. The more worrying side for me is the food. I’m obsessed with calories… And counting calories. This is not sustainable… I am in no way insinuating that the program has caused this… Quite the opposite, without 12wbt I wouldn’t be able to recognise my faulty mindset… My extremism. I’m 1.9kg away from my goal weight… But this is false because in reality… I’ve surpassed my goal weight… The weight I can’t shift is the problem… The kgs of excess skin. And oh there are alot… They will be removed… But that will come with time… Also i need to learn to be proud of the way I look before they’re removed… I need to learn satisfaction in achievement or it will never be enough… I need to learn that its okay to eat over 300 calories in one meal… Hell “No Excuses” is mainly recipes over 300cal… Which is why I haven’t tried any… I need to be more honest with myself… Which is why I need to walk away after this round. If I don’t take the info & run… Things aren’t going to end well. So thank you Mish, for the last 18months. You set me free. Now I need to learn to be free.

Quelle Surprise!!

Ok. Shocked that I managed to lose 100g. TTOM with a vengeance. The more I lose, the more painful & bloaty the whole experience is!
Also went to Costco last night too (obsessed with their frozen berries & fresh meat) …you require photo membership to shop there. My photo was over 12 month old…

They refused to serve me!!! I had to produce alot of ID to prove that it was me… I then had to go & have my photo retaken. Annoying & entirely complimentary!!

Makes me worried about my liscense & passport though!
An annoying but pleasant experience to have! Wow.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-channnnges.

Off the wagon?

So I’ve been a bit slack with exercise since Wednesday… Only trained once… My excuses are: weather, time, exhaustion and simply not feeling it.

They are excuses, all have some validity but basically the thing I value more than anything is time for me… Something I don’t have a lot of at the moment.. Lots of obligation, general busy-ness and work. Work filling my head at all times… So I chose not to do it… to try and wrestle back some of my own time.

I still take my fitness gear to work every day, prepared for a run.. unfortunately it’s not happening at the moment…

Now it’s TTOM and I basically feel horrendous, but I will continue to take my fitness gear to work. I will continue to have a DVD at the ready and my eating has and will remain squeaky clean. I will try NOT to have lunch at my desk everyday. Life happens and I just have to take this as it comes, ride it out and find my mojo again.

 

Funny that

I have been on this journey for exactly 442 days. Which is 1 year, 2 months & 15 days. I’m terrible at commitment to ANYTHING.

I get extremely restless & distracted so why the hell have I stuck with this? Michelle Bridges, you are some sort of crazy voodoo genius. Can you help me commit to other things? Like actually updating the 100 blogs I start & get distracted from, or making a decision about where I’m going in my life 😛

Fail!

Last night I took some quiet time to get organised. As well as cooking salmon stir fry for dinner I: Made up the Yoghurt & Puree for this mornings breakfast crumble, prepared chicken waldorf salad for today’s lunch, prepared the first part of a Tofu Eggplant Mess for tonight’s dinner, smashed out a cardio session, did some dishes, laundry… Sorted vegie snacks for the next few days… The lunch & snacks are still sitting in the fridge st home… This is because today is a shit day & leaving that stuff at home is the only possible beginning to a shot day… I’m hitting another plateau at the moment… Expecting a gain because I’m just feeling so bloated & suck despite clean eating & good exercise! The last 5 kg really are pitiful & soul destroying… Can’t believe that after losing nearly 85kg… The last 5 – 10kg are definitely the most emotional & challenging… Who knew the experts would be right?! 😛 The thing is though… What am I going to do… The alternative, well it’s not an option is it? So how do you, when you’re an overly sensitive soul… Suck it up, get out of your own head & move on. This post is just like all the others… I guess. The food, the exercise is all easy… It’s the mind that i struggle with… Oh, & peanut butter! 😀 Hoping that by putting it up”out there” my brain will swing into gear and I will stop being annoyed that despite how organised I am, I’m still chaotic & disorganised… And despite how far I’ve come, the hardest is yet to come… But I will get though… Because I have no other choice than to just keep going.

Dylan Moran was right…

You’ve just won a million quid… And you’ve only got 5 minutes to live!!

Slacker!

I’m so terrible at maintaining this thing, however as it’s just my ranty diatribe I just need to get over it… but.. I have sigend up for Round 4! Which, fingers crossed will be my last round of 12wbt. My final weight loss at the end of Round 3 2012 was 81.8kg 14 months!

I have about 7kg to go and I’m smashing through fitness goals.. but most of all I had my annual work health check up today…

and there is no scale to measure how much good cholesterol I have – I’m off the charts! I am at a 0 risk factor of developing type 2 diabetes in the next 5 years, my blood pressure is beyond perfection.. I cried and hugged the nurse.. Ooops weirdo much?.

But holy shit, 12 months ago I was high to medium risk factor just because of my waist size! I can’t believe how far I’ve come. I can’t thank Michelle Bridges enough and now I’m running off for the click frenzy sale!

CCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEELEEEEEEEEEEEEBRATTTTTTTTTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Disconnect

There seems to be a real disconnect between my brain and my eyes. I don’t know why I keep seeing fragments of my body and thinking how grotesque it is…

When I see myself in the whole package I’m thrilled.. but while writing a shopping list two minutes ago, I looked down at my lap and all I could see is my gut, disgusting and unchanged from 14 months ago…

When will I catch up? I know other people have expressed similar things when losing weight, but I scare myself… Is this how eating disorders develop? I’m far from having an eating disorder.. I love food, and cooking way too much! But when your eyes are playing tricks on you.. that’s a bit worrying..

How do I move on from here?

I’m a normal, slightly overweight humanoid now… When will I look at myself and see that?