Guh!

Intellectually, I know how to deal with really real world situations involving food.

I know that I am now a healthy weight & have the knowledge to get through most food situations of which I have no control. I’m not tempted to order shit food at a restaurant & I can easily control myself at work morning/afternoon teas…

That is my intellectual brain… This is my actual response:

Fuck. The planning morning is now a planning day at a bogan pub with lunch, morning tea & afternoon tea included. I know who has organised it… I know fruit or veggies will not be apart of morning & afternoon tea. Everything on the menu comes with chips & all the salads have crumbed, fried or cured meats/fish and drowned in super low-budget fatty dressing of one sort or another. (I know this as fact because I’ve already looked at their menu online). I’m going to have to order & make alterations to the meal, in front of people & the judgement will be freaking unbearable – I JUST WANT THE PUMPKIN QUINOA SALAD I HAD PLANNED. 😦

That is what going on in my head right now.

I can’t relax… and it’s peoples reactions that are causing this emotional response… but my history with food, weight, inappropriate downright bitchy comments & my work colleagues is not a pleasant one.

Where to from here?

Of new years & resolutions…

I don’t believe in New Years resolutions… I’ve never made one before…. Until now. My resolution is this; In 2013 I will walk away from the 12wbt program. I need to cut the cord. After losing 88kg in 18 months I need to walk away… Carrying with me the lessons I’ve learnt… I say this because I want to have a healthy relationship with food & exercise. Exercise: I’m never going to be a marathon runner… Cause I really don’t want to be… I like going for walks & going for a paddle. I don’t mind picking up the pace a bit… & working up a sweat.. Happy to do a DVD at home on occasion…But I loathe the gym & really this is about a sustained life choice, making long term commitments that work for me. Find the balance. The more worrying side for me is the food. I’m obsessed with calories… And counting calories. This is not sustainable… I am in no way insinuating that the program has caused this… Quite the opposite, without 12wbt I wouldn’t be able to recognise my faulty mindset… My extremism. I’m 1.9kg away from my goal weight… But this is false because in reality… I’ve surpassed my goal weight… The weight I can’t shift is the problem… The kgs of excess skin. And oh there are alot… They will be removed… But that will come with time… Also i need to learn to be proud of the way I look before they’re removed… I need to learn satisfaction in achievement or it will never be enough… I need to learn that its okay to eat over 300 calories in one meal… Hell “No Excuses” is mainly recipes over 300cal… Which is why I haven’t tried any… I need to be more honest with myself… Which is why I need to walk away after this round. If I don’t take the info & run… Things aren’t going to end well. So thank you Mish, for the last 18months. You set me free. Now I need to learn to be free.