Disconnect

There seems to be a real disconnect between my brain and my eyes. I don’t know why I keep seeing fragments of my body and thinking how grotesque it is…

When I see myself in the whole package I’m thrilled.. but while writing a shopping list two minutes ago, I looked down at my lap and all I could see is my gut, disgusting and unchanged from 14 months ago…

When will I catch up? I know other people have expressed similar things when losing weight, but I scare myself… Is this how eating disorders develop? I’m far from having an eating disorder.. I love food, and cooking way too much! But when your eyes are playing tricks on you.. that’s a bit worrying..

How do I move on from here?

I’m a normal, slightly overweight humanoid now… When will I look at myself and see that?

-78.9

So… I have now lost a whole, healthy human.

I look at that figure as I type, see my reflection & it doesn’t compute.

Who is this person? Or… Who the f*** was that other person…

The one who had to ask for a seatbelt extender on an aeroplane. High above the earth, humiliated, self-loathing & no way to escape my own head for 24 hours…

I am confronted by myself… old & new. Still trying to work out who I am & where I fit.

Think I like the new one a little more..

Control Freak

Sometimes, I really just need to back the f… off.

 

I seriously have control issues. Hah. My poor long suffering partner is aware of this… I am becoming aware of this..

 

Next lesson I need to learn. How to chill out, build a bridge and get over it.

 

Now, how do I do that?